just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
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