i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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