No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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