were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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