I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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