youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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