I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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