You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
