ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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