It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
