New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
do herpes really smell.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Randomize
