First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
