Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
