i permit you to call me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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