Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
