Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Randomize
