nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
