you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
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you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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