I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
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Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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