i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
