and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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