It's like a parade of train wrecks.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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