I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
