I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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