The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
