hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
