You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
