My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
