sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
she told me i tasted like america
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
