I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
