Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
