The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
