Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
