Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
