Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
