good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize