This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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