you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
