party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
