I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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