The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
