I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she looked like the before picture.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
