I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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