I wish you could order shots online.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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