It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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