I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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