Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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