i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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