This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
