I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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