dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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