Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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