The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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