please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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