i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
