I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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