What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
