But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
