either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
