just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
