Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
