I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
